1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to othersthat you "like it that way."
2. Drum on every available surface.
3. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5. Ask 800 operators for dates.
6. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
7. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
8. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
9. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
10. Set alarms for random times.
11. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
12. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
13. Honk and wave to strangers.
14. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
15. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
16. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by thecash register.
18. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
19. only type in lowercase.
20. dont use any punctuation either.
21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
22. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
23. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:"Do you hear that?""What?""Never mind, it's gone now."
25. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
26. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
27. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
28. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
29. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
30. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.The list continues below
31. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
32. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
33. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
34. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
35. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. Whennearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up!" and repeat.
36. Drive half a block.
37. Name your dog "Dog."
38. Ask people what gender they are.
39. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
40. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
41. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
42. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't wantto fall off "in case the big one comes".
43. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
44. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "FelizNavidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
45. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
46. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
47. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
48. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
49. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phonebook. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
50. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
51. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
52. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along toavoid the appearance of ignorance.
53. Wear a LOT of cologne.
54. Ask to "interface" with someone.
55. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessarybecause of your "superior mental processing."
56. Sing along at the opera.
57. Mow your lawn with scissors.
58. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
59. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
60. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
61. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
62. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
63. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
64. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
65. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silenceswith the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
66. Never make eye contact.
67. Never break eye contact.
68. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
69. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
70. Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
71. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
72. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
73. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
74. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
75. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wife's Duty...
It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter in law arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters in law are well trained and well mannered.
They don't come to change the family, they are there to... read the following:
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",she said
"Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine."
"No, I will never do that, never in a million years".
"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.
"What I mean, dad, is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account,and
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning".
"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.
"I'm here just to entertain your son"
Some daughters in law are well trained and well mannered.
They don't come to change the family, they are there to... read the following:
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",she said
"Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine."
"No, I will never do that, never in a million years".
"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.
"What I mean, dad, is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account,and
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning".
"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.
"I'm here just to entertain your son"
Actual label instructions on consumer goods
1. On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
theories of life
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Before and After the Marriage
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was hard waiting.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!
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